I want to be a fantasy writer. It is my dream. and as so I am writing a fantasy novel! I wrote this one scene that I really wanted to show someone! I wrote it a few months ago but I hesitated because it is really dark and really triggering for some people.
DISCLAMER: this scene included graphic violence, rape and mental health issues. Please do not read it if this triggering to you! It is incredibly dark and very difficult to read. Please be safe. And remember this is one scene of a huge novel! It is not the end and there is light along the way. I just like to write real things with intense emotions.
Here it goes:
My hands are shaking. And I awake?
I can feel the sweat dripping from my face and landing on the bed. I am hot and I am cold. And somehow is it still night when I wake up.
The girl with bouncing black curls is dreaming still. I don´t know how hard she was hit in the head. I feel like I slept a long time. But that can´t be right because the moon is glowing outside. And it glows too bright.
“It doesn’t change. I have been up for 8 hours now. It is always night in this place”, Rose gold hair and purple cheeks. She must be my age but her eyes confess other truths. I saw her in the bridge before.
“You are saying there is not going to be a morning any time soon? Or that it is never going to be morning?” I want to ask her name and tell her mine. If for the taste of a friendship I never had.
“Never. Morning. Ever”, her mouth does funny motions when she speaks, like she is to be quiet at the same time. Maybe she is. We are all strangers here. We don´t know how to be and so we are all careful with our words. Careful to breathe too hard.
“Okay. Thank you for the information I guess”.
“Well shit, no problem. Can you tell me your name?”.
“Amori”, she repeats like she knows my name. But I don´t know her so I let that thought go. I would know if her face ever crossed my way. I never knew many people. I rarely left my house and I didn’t care too much to make friends with criminals.
“Do you have a last name?”, she asks me.
“Storyteller”, I decide in a rush to call myself that. It is my precious connection to my father. To my past. To who I was supposed to be in a way.
“Nice to meet you Amori. My name is Lae. I tried to wake the little one, she doesn’t budge. But she is alive”, she smiles at me and I crack a little. I never saw a smile so close. Not that I remember anyway.
And I decide to like her because she didn’t ask more questions about my surname. She didn’t give me a half smile like the soldier back in Lisport did, but they also thought that I was a crazy bitch.
She is nothing like me. She looks free with her smiles.
“I like your hair”, I say and I do. I like the rose gold. I would love to have hair like her.
“Thanks. I would love to have the strength to cut mine like ours. I just think it looks to badass you know. It suits you. Oh, and it was amazing of you to take in the girl. It was a shit show back there but you had the heart to help”.
“Thank you”, I say.
“Sure. Do you want some help with her?”, and she points to Emma.
She is so tiny. I wonder if I was ever this tiny. And I can´t find the time when I was tiny. I don´t remember much from before; before they were gone. I remember Natasha art, I remember Dad’s stories and I remember Ma´s sugar oranges. But that is it. No more memories I can see, only feel. Because I know them. They are within me I just can´t reach them anymore. I am hoping that finding them will unleash them in me. I only hope that with them I can become a full person again. My family took a fragment of me with them.
“I don´t know what to do with her. I don´t even know her”, I say to Lae.
“Her mother died a year ago”, Lea replies.
I look at her with concern in me. So, that is why she is alone.
“How do you know that?”.
“She talks in her sleep. And so do you”, and she smiles again.
“Oh”, I whisper more to myself than to her.
“You say nothing more than a name, Natasha”.
“Hum”. I have no words to say. There is no way that I am going to confine my past in someone I just met. That is just not who I am.
My past has too many cruel drawing and a lot of them were inked in blood. I would never, I will never describe it to anyone. It is my skeleton. The story of how I survived. Everything I am right now is owed to blood and terror.
Abuse, tears, screaming and mental games. That was my life, alone. The only luck I got was to be welcomed as a part of the gang when I was only 11 years old. Of course, that didn’t come without a price. And I will never re-visit that day.
My sister name in my lips while I dream. It is not the first time it happens. It was often that I was awake with a bang in my bedroom door, gang members shouting me to shut the hell up.
I keep wishing I had said something, to Natasha before everything happened. But at least the last time I saw her face she was smiling.
We are more than two sisters. We have an invisible bond. So, deep that runs into my mind and ties the laces of my heart. We couldn’t be separated when babies. And even if we weren’t in the same space we could feel each other. When she disappeared through the portal I sensed her numbness, and I sensed fear in her the days after. Then one day it all stopped. The bond went quiet for more than a month. I thought that I would go insane. But a feeling of calm returned to me from her and it remained. Until right now.
That is how I am sure she is okay. How I am sure she is here somewhere.
I am so lost in memories that I don´t hear Lea calling me until she touches my arm. In a quick movement, I get up from the bed and pull away from her cold hand. It is so cold in this room.
“Oh, I am sorry. I just wanted to get your attention. The girl is waking up”, Lea says with a clearly disturbed face. I make a mind note to apologize to her later.
I turn to the bed and find a wide eyes girl looking in my direction. Panic makes my body warmer by the second. I have no idea what to do now. She is small but she can talk, right? I do not know what to do about food or about anything at all.
“Papa?”, her voice is sweet. No taste of cruelty in her soul. Not yet.
It takes me a second to understand she is talking to me. I stare into her and sit near her in the bed. I look at Lae hoping for that help she offered earlier but she doesn’t utter a single word. So, I look back at Emma.
“Papa is coming soon”, the only excuse I could think of. I can´t tell her that we are in a dangerous situation where humanoid creatures with horns kill without a second thought. And I definitely can´t tell her that her father is not here.
To my surprise she gets up and with some difficulty reaches the floor. She starts walking around slowly. Me and Lae both get up to follow her. She walks around the room in a big circle and comes back to the bed we slept in.
“Papa is not here”.
She was looking for him?
“No. But he will. What is your name?”, Lae asks.
Emma jumps to the bed and snuggles underneath the only blanket available which is not hot enough for this cold.
“Emma. What is yours?”, she asks in a piano voice.
“I love your name. Mine is Lae”.
“And mine is Amori”, I add.
“I am cold and hungry”, the girl replies.
I can relate to that feeling. Since that soldier, Kly, brought us here no-one else came to check on us. There is no food and the air is so cold that the window glass is frozen. But even in such precarious condition I am not risking dying for a hot blanket.
“I would die for a hot chocolate”, Lae says while laughing. She isn’t skinny like me which makes her curvier. I would like to know if my body would form curves if provided with enough food. Her brown eyes laugh along her mouth and I can´t stop a smile in my own lips.
“That is some dark humour”, I reply.
Emma disappears inside the sheets. Me and Lea share a concerned look. What are going to do with a hungry and cold 8 years-old child?
I grab the blanket and hold it up only enough to see littleness in Emma’s face. And I gasp.
She is crying. But not a sound is leaving her tiny body. There are only silent tears staining her rosy cheeks.
“Hey, hum. I am going to try to find some food for you okay?”, I say to her.
She sobs her nose and nods in my direction.
“I miss Papa. I shouldn’t be talking to strangers. I am afraid and cold and hungry. I want Papa”.
My heart shutters a little. She is so preciously sweet.
Lae gets up from her own bed which is next to ours. And gives me a grin.
“I am going to find that hot chocolate and some fluffy blankets”, she shouts while walking away from us.
A drop of fear forms in my gut when I see her disappearing in the hallway. We both saw what happened around here to the ones who ask too many questions.
Turning back to Emma I try to mask my worried eyes. She is still covered head to toe but a string of black hair slips for a hole in the blanket.
“Hey Emma. Can you tell me more about you and your father?”, I ask.
She rolls around in the bed and lifts up half of the blanket inviting me in to her little cosy place. I step in and close the opening she made. We are found in a little dark and slightly warmer ball of fabric.
“I am five years old. Papa is older. Mama is not around. She went to sleep and never woke up again. I miss her a lot But I am not sad anymore. Because she told me not to be. And my Mama is always right”, she whispers near to me.
“My family left me when I was ten”. I don´t know if it is because of the darkness or the tenderness of the moment or because I am talking to a five years old child, but I feel a heavy weight being lifted off me when I tell her this.
“You alone since you are ten?”, she asks.
“Yes”, I murmur. And I feel her hand on mine.
“Can I stay with you until I find Papa?”.
This little girl is making me feel more alive than I ever remember feeling. This is what kindness is?
“Yes, Emma. You can”. And for some reason even in the dark I can sense her crocked smile.
“You see Mama told me to be strong for Papa. So, I can´t cry”.
“Your Mama was a wise woman”, I reply.
“I know”, she replies back.
I somehow feel recollected after all the craziness since I crossed the portal. I finally feel like I can breathe.
After some time in silence inside the comfort of the blanket, I feel a gentle tug on my left arm. I lift up the blanket to find golden eyes looking at me. The soldier.
My whole body comes back to defence mode and I jump out of the bed and face him.
“Your friend said you need something”, she says.
With my heart ponding from fear and something else I look to him. Really look to him. I just have this thing that tells me he is so different. From everyone I ever met. But still I fear for my life near him.
“Where is her?”. Lae, was she killed too?
“She will be right back. I wasn’t alone when she found us. And the other soldiers had some questions for her”, he replies. My heart sinks. This can´t be a good sign. And I can´t believe I let someone else go resolving my problems. It is my fault.
But I can still make it right somehow. I can´t be a scared nobody while taking care of a child. I decided to not stay in the shadows when I took her in. and I don´t regret.
“I am cold. And hungry too”, I say. There is no reason to bring his attention to Emma. If this goes sour I am the one to face the consequences not her.
“I can´t give you food. But I can bring more blankets from the other rooms. I could bring some hot water for a shower too”.
“Hum yes. Thank you”.
He starts to walk towards the door and something blooms in my soul to do something. I know that Lae is not safe. I have a gut feeling that she is the opposite of okay.
“Wait. Can I go with you? To get the blankets and hum, to find my friend?”, I shout a little louder than I would like.
“No”, he answers and steps out of the room.
The sweet awake of panic fills my lungs with warm air. I need to do something. Emma is still in her cocoon of fabric when I make an opening with my hand and look at her.
“I need you to stay here and don´t make a noise. Can you do that?”.
“hum-uh”, she nods.
I walk to a distant bed and wake the girl in it. The teenager that almost got herself killed before.
“I need you to keep an eye on that bed. Do not let anyone get close. Do not let the little girl get out”.
“What? Why?”, she breathes in fear and confusion.
“Just do it. I will not take long”, I say and leave her bedside. I look behind and she is getting up to sit on her bed in a position that allows her to see Emma. I am grateful she obliged to my favour.
I walk out of the room and find myself in a naked hallway, colder than the room in itself and definitely scarier. Alone for the first time in this world I let the reality sink in my bones, I have no idea where I am or what is this place or this people. Or creatures. I have no idea what to do next and right now everything around me looks about to kill me just because. This is really not a good situation.
I walk deeper into the dark than I would like, until I hear distant sounds in a distant room. I go closer and see the same room where that first girl was killed. The door is open and the scent of death fills my nose.
The vision before me is the most terrifying thing I ever saw in my life. I feel the tears rolling
Oh no. Please.
I can´t breathe. I can´t breathe.
I can´t even see anymore. Just take the screams away.
Lae is here. Her naked body painted in blood. Not hers but from the blonde woman. She is laying down in the freezing floor beside the corpse.
Three men, soldiers, hold her head down. And another man abusing her, on top of her.
She doesn’t scream, doesn’t move. Her eyes are glossy, blurry.
I want to run to her but I feel that it is too late. She is completely destroyed. I feel bile rising in my throat. I am going to be sick.
I didn’t even know her. Why did she have to come out here? It should’ve been me. Lying there. Dying there.
I focus on looking into her eyes, I focus to find her somewhere and remove her pain but I can´t. I can only remain here in the shadows. Watching. I finally catch her stare and I see her find my tears. Tears flood her. From where I stand it is impossible for the guards to see me. It is too dark for that. But Lae can see me from the ground. That is what matters. I take a deep breath and I sit on the floor.
I will not look away and I will not leave her alone. I will remain until the end. With her. The time feels like a blur and after a while both of us are numb, our faces dry.
I don´t know how long; how long we just stayed here. In our bubble. Me and her holding invisible hands.
I stop hearing their deep dragged breaths. They step away from her and the bloodied floor. But their voices still linger in the room.
“Do we kill her?”, one of them asks the others.
“I don´t think is relevant”.
There is no emotion in their words. No regret not even cruelty. They really don´t see her like a person but as an animal. Maybe even worse.
I am so lost in this agony that I miss the movement to my left. Lae is moving now, dead slowly. Her body is too hurt to take the pain to walk so she just drags her height down, limbs up. And she sits down in the same position as me. She in the light and I in the dark, we stare at each other. I feel her pain digging into me. her suffering still fresh in my mind. I will never, ever forget it.
I get up at once and I watch Lae crawling. She is crawling to me. I can´t contain a grasp escaping my lips, a cry so hard in my hearth that my head is filled with my own screaming. She crawls until one of them finds her naked body. Closer than ever to me, she extends a hand to me but the soldier hanks her away pulling her by her rose gold hair.
I drop my hand and I drop my hope. I can´t do anything. I am powerless.
This is all because of me.
A ball forms in my stomach when I understand what is next. But I can´t look away.
Her naked body inked with human blood, her rose gold hair drench in tears. The world stops around me as with her own hand she grabs a knife at the belt of the soldier, she finds home with it. Right in her empty heart.
It is so fast. So easily done.
I am a void of emotion; the pain is so frustratingly deep that my body becomes nothing. My mind becomes nothing. Her body drops lifeless not too far away from me. Only two steps and I could hold her and tell her that she did not die alone. But she didn’t find my eyes in the end. And now it is too far gone.
The soldiers turn around then turn back to where they were. They get dressed and leave the room, not looking to the shadow figure of myself sitting in the dark corner.
I lost the words and the minutes. I don´t know how long I stay sitting in the floor. I don´t know when I move to the light and find the hand she so clearly extended to me. I don´t know when I lay beside her in the dark blood.
I just stay. And I cannot breathe.