I have not loved myself for a while now.
I often think of myself as a failure. As a shallow shelf of a person that I once was.
My life had a lot of troubles, I learn and encountered experiences that I would never thought that I would.
I lost myself over and over. I pick up myself over and over again.
But this time, this time was different. I had hit the darkest place in me. I felt like drowning. All I could think was that I wanted to fight and that I couldn´t. all I could think about was that all my decision led me to this place so I deserved to be there. To feel like that.
I was described as positive person, as an extrovert, social butterfly that loved to talk and to help people. I loved to get people out of depression. I loved to show love and God´s work flowed through my veins. I was once made of pure happiness and love. And I loved who I was.
It took a while to understand, that person isn´t me. To let go that I couldn´t go back to not see the things that I saw. I was changed. And it was not depression that pressure me to that.
I changed because I had to grow up and evolve. I had to become myself at some point, right?
Society shuts down introverts, there is a perception that quiet people are rude and don´t make it to success. So, to me to became an introvert, or to accept that I always had been one, made me extremely unhappy. I didn´t how to act and deal with myself anymore.
Today I finally see that I am an introvert and I always had been. I am also a rare and unique person. That makes sense. A lot of sense to me. Most of my life I felt like the black sheep. It looks like I actually am that black sheep. And I don´t need to be afraid of it.
Introverts get judge based on shallow and surface parameters. You don´t see that work, passion and thoughts of an introvert because it is in his nature to hide it.
I do love to write about personal stuff. But I would never, never speak like this in public. I am well capable of closing myself up in book or be alone in a house and love the day but that doesn’t mean that I hate to go out with the people that I actually love.
Deep connections are key. Solitude to recharge is amazing, and that doesn´t mean to be closed at home. But my home needs to feel like a sanctuary. The quiet and safe place to be me.
I ignored this part of me for so long that I have to idea that I loved it. I love to know myself. And now I can work with myself. I can discover my mind way easier and understand my acts without judging myself with society eyes.
I hope this can give hope to people that are in a search. A search where they can finally be relieved that they are amazing. They are not some creature for out space just because they want to alone.
Be yourself, know yourself, and love yourself first. And then start giving to others.
My dream is make a change in the world, and know I found my legs to move in that directions. Know myself, beginning to love myself made me see so much about humanity.
Don´t let know tell you “you can´t be you”. You can do whatever you set your heart to do. Even if a lot of people don´t understand your acts. If you understand them, embrace them. Be introvert. Or extrovert. Or an introvert that loves to write. Or an extrovert that also loves to read.
Just be you. Know you. Love you first.