This is day 5 of this crazy little journey that I am putting myself through. If you want to check of day 4 it is here:https://blankssd.com/2018/03/06/the-insecurities-of-a-20-years-old-woman-2/
This is a self-discovery path for me that I decided to share with the world because:
- This way I am kind of forced to do it.
- I know that 20-years-old women are insecure and maybe they will want some company on their own journeys to adult-life.
Enjoy, laugh and stay strong.
I have Social Anxiety.
I am insecure about talking to people and be in a position where people can judge me. Which is weird because the person that most judges me is myself.
I have social Anxiety and that stops me from living my life.
I wasn´t a quiet teenager, I was very social in my high school and had a lot of different friends. Recently I passed through some traumatic events and that triggered me into developing social anxiety.
I feel like every person in their transition to adult can gain a little bit on social anxiety. Being in the jobs interviews that are a new challenge or in the pressure into making more long term and responsible friends. Or because they are moving to someplace else and all that social skill that you once had doesn´t work anymore. Sometimes I just feel like it is SO much more difficult to make friends now that when I was 15.
Never undervalue the power of friendships and social skill.
Being a 20-year-old woman that doesn´t know how to speak to someone or that is constantly afraid of interviews/meetings can be very challenging. Even madding.
Frequently I come up as rude or uninterested but I am trapped in my own fear. It is paralysing.
I don´t have almost any friend. Outside my sphere of family and boyfriend I don´t have anyone to actually talk to or go and hang out. Most of the time that doesn´t bother me but there is some moment where I would like to be able to just catch someone and go eat ice cream.
Lonely can became loneliness really fast. I heard that is a video. I get it.
Sometimes people get frustrated because I can´t explain myself or understand their point because I am probably too focused in being able to talk.
There was this one time where I had to spend a whole weekend with people that I didn´t know. It was chaos. I had to argue my way to get a bedroom where I could be alone. Which was seen as being picky, actually I was just feeling a panic attack building up and needed to be alone. Fast. I did have that full-on panic attack when I found myself in the situation of not being able to speak to anyone for a whole day. I wanted to express myself. Show my true colours. But I can´t.
It is funny. Someday I will be a Journalist and people are going to be my job. I do it now. Somehow, I can put myself in the skin of a professional person for a couple of hours and there is no social anxiety. It is work. It is easy.
But little things get me. My boyfriend loves to play videogames and spends his whole day speaking to his friends on the voice chat as he plays. He doesn´t understand how anxious that makes me. Just knowing that someone may listen to me. It is terrifying for no logical reason.
Overall, I know this is a problem. I can keep it at bay if am in a professional environment. There are moments where it looks like it is going away. There are moments there it looks like I hate everyone and I just want to be alone. Forever.
Just roll with your problems. Treat them if you need to. But never let social anxiety get in your way of being a full person.