This is day 3 of this crazy little journey that I am putting myself through. If you want to check of day 2 it is here:https://blankssd.com/2018/02/23/the-insecurities-of-a-20-years-old-woman-day-2/
This is a self-discovery path for me that I decided to share with the world because:
- This way I am kind of forced to do it.
- I know that 20-years-old women are insecure and maybe they will want some company on their own journeys to adult-life.
Enjoy, laugh and stay strong.
I never lived alone. I am 20 year-old and I never lived alone.
In my childhood I lived with my parents, then with my sister, then with my other sister until I left my country to go and study abroad.
I never lived alone. Lies. I lived alone my first 5 weeks in the UK. Until I gradually (kinda in one weekend) moved in to my boyfriend house. We were dating for 2 months, don´t judge okay? He lived in huge bedroom with a double bed, way closer to University and in a house full of Portuguese people. So it was more like home to me.
Now it has been almost a year and half since we live together. We moved to another house with only two more Portuguese. We even have our own cat.
But I am insecure about living with him and other people.
I am afraid of not living alone because I never had that experience. Also, I am a lone wolf with a anxiety complex so alone time is key to my mental health.
At this point, I am afraid of living with people and I am afraid of living alone.
I am insecure of him seeing everything that I do, everything that I write, everything that I think. It is weird because most of the time I don´t mind it, but there are times that I can´t be with someone else. And those time come with no warning. And are really hard to explain.
So here I am , after having one of those moments. How can I loose this insecurity? How can I be peaceful about this? How can I not be a gigantic ball of emotions about a single solvable problem?
I can solve it. I can be alone in the same house. I can move out. I can find my spot.
I never had an insecurity about living with someone else in my life, but somehow now is different.
Maybe because I am adult and I have the choice of doing so. Choice of living alone. Choice of being alone.
The thing about insecurities is that they mask your emotions, your thoughts and you don´t know what is real and what is a product of fear.
I am afraid of living with someone because that means that I am not alone to cry myself to sleep, because that means that I am vulnerable to anxiety attacks and that someone will be there to see them.
I afraid because I can´t pretend to be strong with him. And I am afraid of what he will think of me.
- Am I weak?
- Am I ugly?
- Am I crazy?
Sometimes insecurities can tell you more than you think? This is not a problem of living alone or not. Or maybe is, but still, it is not only a problem of living alone. It is a problem of self-approach, self love and confidence.