Yesterday I had a panic attack
I was fixing my bag for the next day when I looked into my room and I notice my cheap clothing rag in the floor. All of stuff, shoes, blouses, jackets, pants, skirts, hats, were in the floor.
My anxiety kicked in. I had a plan. I was going to put my bag and clothes for the next day together and then maybe read something. And then sleep. The next day I needed to wake up really early.
My plan was ruined. I called my person and he help me put it back together but then he left me putting my clothes back on it.
He left to go play the same game that he was playing for the whole day and for some reason that made me very upset. Very.
I blamed him for everything. Because he was playing games. For some reason, I blame him.
I then I accidentally dropped Christmas decorations on the floor. 10 Christmas balls rolling though the living room.
I got my keys and I went outside with a t-shirt and no shoes. In the winter cold of February. And I locked all doors behind me with the hope that someone would notice that I wanted to run away.
Instead I sat in the building stairs. I don´t know how long I stayed there. I know that I was numb and I couldn´t breathe. All I could think was that my chest hurt and that I was a failure and a broken person: “How did I get upset because of this? Am I this broken that I ruined a perfectly normal night?”
I waited for someone to come. I wanted someone, him. Not because I am an attention seeker but because it felt cold being alone. It hurt but I would never go to him. It was my fault.
I was the faulty one. The broken one.
My panic attacks happen because of myself, I think.
I can´t even forgive myself for being mentally ill. It is just a so stupid thought but I do thinking it every day of my life.
If you see someone having a panic attack, help. We to know that someone shared the same pain, the same fears, the same emotion and that we are not broken. We are just not okay.
If you see someone having a panic attack, say something. Just say something. We do not want to be left alone when the whole world is hurt it us. When even our own minds and bodies are hurting us.
We just need a way out and sometimes a word is that.