Today I woke up feeling defeated, feeling sad, feeling sick.
No hope for the day. No positive vibes. Nothing that could make me get up and feel alive.
“I hate myself”
“Why can´t I do anything?”
“Why am I not positive or motivated?”
“I want to die”
These are my normal thoughts, unfortunately that is the truth. I obviously don´t want to die. I want to live. But in this kind of moment it seems easier to just go blank for a while. Just shut everything down. I have this present in my life so many times that I eventually give up and just sleep for the day. It is better to be asleep and not think about how unproductive I am being. How much of a failure I am.
I try to feel better. I see some motivational videos. I get a hug from my person but still something doesn´t app up.
And then the excuses come:
“I am not home, I should be on holidays, I don´t know what to do, I don´t know how to do it, how to I start…
I can´t, I JUST CAN´T DO IT. I am giving up.
I want to die. Why am I such a failure?”
Lately I have been feeling out of place. I don´t belong anywhere. I don´t know anyone. I want to be alone. I don´t want to be alone.
This is my depression.
I don´t cry or yell. I just stay in this lingering feeling of hating myself and not knowing where I am or what to do.
This Christmas I received five books as gifts. One of them was BAWSE by Lily Singh. If you don´t know this Youtuber you should, it is one of my great inspirations and probably my favourite “celebrity”.
She is human and i love that about her. She doesn´t hide. She doesn´t hate her journey and she is grateful for everything.
And she lives. She doesn´t survive.
Today i asked my person ( if you don´t know my person= my boyfriend) “ Do you live or do you survive?” and he answer “ I would like to live more” .
I want to live more too. I really want to live. Lingering in this sensation of nothingness is the most awful thing in the world for me and everyone around me. It feels like I am nothing, nobody. Just bad. I am bad, I am evil , I don´t deserve to live.
If you have been reading my blog for a while you know from previous posts that I hate failure and that I constantly feel like I am failing.
I been feeling like that since I remember.
Failure in school, in University.
Failure in not having friends because of my strong and honest personality.
Failure in not being the child my parents want me to be.
Failure in myself for not believing in myself.
Failure in my relationship, not being enough.
This is my greatest sin. Failing. Everything and everyone.
I know this is my perception of myself but that is the most important one. I know all theories about mental health but how do you transport that when you are feeling like this. How?
At least I can write.
I can share myself. I don´t hate that. I am not afraid of sharing because I know that people someday will read this and relate and maybe, just maybe this will make them feel less alone.
This is my honest objective with this. I want to share and help someone. You are not alone. I feel like shit as well. You can speak up about your depression or other mental health problems. They are real. I am here.