I feel like crap for so many reason that can´t even figure it out. I feel like my head is spinning and I can´t control my own reality. I feel bad. End.
I am depressive, I am anxious, I am nervous and I get irritated very easily. Like very easily. I have been irritated 100 per cent of the time for the last 4 days.
I love Christmas, I love Portugal, I love my family and I love to have big expectations on me and everyone around me. Not realistic expectations.
So I get screwed every time I deposit my faith in them. Big mistake.
I am a writer, I feel things, I think about them and then I write about them. That is what I always have done. But there was a long time in my life where I couldn´t write about what I felt because I didn´t felt. I closed myself to everyone, everything. I couldn´t be a writer.
It is been a process to re-open myself to the world. But I want to feel and because of that I let myself feel EVERYTHING, EVERY WAY, EVERY TIME.
This is a tricky way of living life I know. But it is me. What is also me is honesty, a lot of honesty. And people are afraid of honesty. People abandoned honesty. Our society dooms the ones (like me) who value honesty. It is always better “to keep out of trouble” or to “say a little lie”.
The people that annoy me more in the world are the ones that I allow myself to love. My boyfriend, my family. I can´t afford to lose them so I have to play by the rules of the house. And their rules are everything that I can´t help myself from doing. And I feel like a failure because of it.
Other thing to add up is that I left my childhood house when I was 10 years-old. While my whole family knows everyone in this little town I don´t remember shit from this place and that equals to me feeling like an outsider.
I can go on and on about the things I had been thinking lately. The fact that I can´t take a shower today because I had a hair treatment that required not showering for three days and the way that makes me feel like complete crap.
That little thing is making me feel ugly and disgusting and fat.
This little town is also populated by small minded people, some of them being in my own family and it is so hard to deal with people like that. Gossip reins in here too so it is amazing to walk out and my aunt just says: “Are u fatter?” or “ Aren´t u too skinny?”
Or maybe the fact that I am very cold because Portugal doesn’t understand the concept of heated houses! And because of that fact I am SICK.
Or maybe the worst of all is the lingering drama between my family and me. Or the fact that I can´t stop thinking that I am a awful person because I am the only one here with a different mind-set. OR that I am the problem and that is why I don´t have one friend in this shit whole of a place or even the whole of Portugal. Or even the whole planet.
And the cherry in the top is that my person, my boyfriend, my only friend and the only person in the world that understand me is not here but going out with his friends when I sulk in the fact that I would give anything to have friends.